Things I Wish My Cat Understood

Have a cat? Ever wish you could communicate certain things to your cat? Me too. Things like….
1.     Settle. I’m not going to let you starve.
2.     You have a scratching post.
3.     It is not a leather chair.
4.     You can’t fit everywhere.
5.     Not everyone has four legs.
6.     Yes, you CAN trip me.
7.     People can die from a bad fall.
8.     No one would feed you if I died.
9.     It’s not politically correct to eat the face of the owner you tripped and killed by swishing through her legs while she walked downstairs.
10. That fish you keep staring at is in water.
11. Water isn’t fire.
12. That fish is taunting you.
13. You could easily jump into that fish tank.
14. Humans like to watch cats try stupid things.
15. The dog is not your personal butt groomer.
16. Not every loud noise you hear requires you to tear away.
17. The skin on my thighs can be punctured.
18. Your claws are like sharp arrows laced with poison.
19. Peeing and or pooping on my rug are not valid forms of communicating displeasure.
20. You shouldn’t play with your food until it bleeds.
21. I don’t eat mice.
22. Only you and students at Penn State have the urge to sprint madly through the hallways at three a.m.
Sadly, it’s a lot easier to teach Penn State students than it is to teach a cat. And, let’s be honest, even if she did understand this list she would just swish her tail and ignore it.

Ungainly two-legged creature, I don’t play by your rules. Now clean up my poop. 

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