10. The Little Drummer Boy–I know this is going to bother a lot of you, because this song has a great message, but the tempo makes me want to shoot myself in the head. Pa rum pum pum pum.
9. Dominic the Italian Christmas Donkey: Do I really have to explain this choice? Hee-haw, hee-haw.
8. Barking Jingle Bells: I’m already straining not to yell at my neighbors barking like mad dogs, why would I want to have this coming out of my radio? It’s not that I’m against dogs, but this song makes me feel the same way I feel when I see art done by elephants–I really don’t get it.
7. Last Christmas: I gave you my heart and the very next day you tore it apart? Tearing out hearts? Not very Christmassy. Why not “and then you put it on a spit and ate it?” I mean, really string that metaphor out. Oh, Wham, you had such promise. ; )
6. Santa Baby by Madonna: I can tolerate this song from anyone else, but her version makes me think of someone doing a strip tease with cones on their boobs.
5. Oh Christmas Tree: I don’t actually dislike this song, but I only know the words “Oh Christmas tree, Oh Christmas tree, how blah-blah-blah your branches.” After those lyrics I’m just humming. I like a Christmas song I can actually sing with.
4. Christmas Shoes: Do we really need a song that is going out of its way to depress us at Christmas time? I mean, I’ve already got SAD and an empty wallet, and now you want me to cry over some imaginary kid who needs shoes for his mom to wear in her coffin. Uh, this sounds like a bad chain email.
3. I Want a Hippopotamus For Christmas: Ah, yes, the old spoiled kid asking for impossible things song. That’s the ol’ Christmas spirit. And, really, you’re not getting anything to rhyme with hippopotamus so stop trying.
2. Grandma Got Run Over by a Reindeer: Uh, my grandmother is dead. I miss her. This song is not fun for me. Actually, who does find this song fun? Are there families that sit around singing this to each other? Maybe to their grandmothers? Sick, yes, but my kids were so little when they did it.
1. Happy Christmas (War is Over) by John Lennon and Yoko Ono: It’s not John. It’s his wife. She really can’t hit some of those notes. I’d rather listen to the barking dogs